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I have awakened from a long winter’s nap, like other mammalia, that sleep until the arrival of the first buds of a new season approaching.  I too can accept that I have awakened from the self isolation I had placed on my life at the beckoning of trying to be subservient to another human being.  I allowed the true inner part of myself to be pressed into slumber, and in its place emerged a person that has been sleep walking through her life.

Let me explain, as it has always been my belief I have expressed on this blog my thoughts regarding the reconstruction of myself as well as my marriage after infidelity.  The two were entwined events in my mind, their was no separation, where one ended the other began, they were one.  Yet I realized that I had for the most part placed the true inner being of myself on hold, I placed it in a stupor of hibernation not allowing it the ability to breathe or grow.  I allowed my fears to swallow up the very thing that made me…….me.

I long ago recognized in myself that I had played a role in the infidelity in my marriage, where there is smoke there is fire.  Again let me reiterate with the help of therapy I recognized my part in what happened between me and my husband, and now the part of trying to build my marriage back from the smoldering ashes it became, “which takes lots of GUTS” let no one ever tell you it’s easy.  Anyway I realized recently (yesterday) as I sat on the edge of my bed, the sunrise peeking over the horizon, the rays of light peeking into my window.  It dawned on me I had not lived my life in recent months, I had become afraid of loosing again what was laying beside me.  NO I was not concerned that he may cheat again! no longer a worry I have on that front.  I was afraid of all the hard work we were doing and in the end realizing it still wasn’t going to work, that all we had done was become functional in dysfunction. I cried, my soul wept, because in our dysfunction I had lain my soul to sleep and began to tip toe around my husband doing everything within my power to make him happy.  Now you may say what is wrong with that.  I will tell you plenty.  I cannot make someone else happy at the sacrifice of myself.  If I am not growing in this relationship than I am stagnant and might as well be hibernating like the great grizzly.  Now don’t get me wrong. there is nothing wrong with doing things to make the significant other in your life happy.  The question is at what expense are you willing to do it?  It appeared I had become so desperate for his approval, I was willing to sacrifice the inner part of myself in hopes he would like me.  Every little mundane thing I did was not because I wanted to do it, or was part of my makeup as a person.  No I did it because it was what made him the person he was, and I believed in my heart, that was more valuable than me. I believed in my heart if I did everything the way he liked it, make the bed, wash the clothes, clean the house, clean the kitchen, then he would be happy with me and want to stay and make me happy.  I falsely thought in sacrificing myself for his approval, he would see what a devoted, loving wife I was, and would want to do the same for me, and we would be this normal, happy perfect couple. I kept doing it week after week, month after month, hoping things would change…the very definition of insanity.  I didn’t get different results I got an awakening instead that led me on this incredulous journey of discovery.

Discovery of the person I had put to sleep, discovery of the love of my life….me.  I had allowed her to fall asleep in hopes she would become this different person awakening from her slumber with keen insight and awareness, she would be perfect, but I realized that is not who or what I am.  I realized that living my true self is the only honorable thing I could do not only for myself but also for my marriage.  Living any other way robs my marriage of the honesty in it….if I lie about who I am…than I lie in my marriage, and dishonor it.  I also dishonor myself, by lying to myself that I must surrender who I am in order to be liked or even loved. I awaken to find out that the most important person that counts in my life is me.   The person I must answer to is me. The person that deserves the very best of me…… is me.  In this way I am able to give the very best of myself to those in my life that are connected to me.  I am able to express my inner self, with security and honesty to my family, my kids, and to my husband.  My marriage is not me….the two are separate emotional events, and the truer I am to myself, the more people can meet me where I am instead of trying to wonder who I am.

I can say yesterday I awakened, and today I am new!!!!!!!!

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